david gray

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So who's to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last

sigh....

you weren't supposed to see that blog. only because i didn't think you'd take it the right way.

there are sparks. there are still butterflies. but it wasn't there before we had our talk. we needed to have that talk because now we both know where we stand and what we want and what is important to us. i didn't know what you wanted or needed or if we were even on the same page. you never talked to me to tell me any of the things you told me that night.

you do believe me don't you? i want the same things you want. i want you to be part of my life and learn all there is to know about me, just like i want to know about you. i love hearing your stories about your past and what you were like and the things you did and i want to to know the things you want for now and for the future. but i didn't know then if this was something that you want or don't want to talk about. if it is too much or too little. i was going by what you were showing me and for a while, i felt like i was alone in this.

but we are ok now, aren't we? i feel closer to you after last week. i don't want you to feel left out when i am quiet. i don't want you to feel like i want to leave when we argue. i don't want you to think or feel anything BUT the fact that i'm not going anywhere.

why is it hard for people to accept that some people are just happy with they way things are? i don't need to take big big risks. i mean, what is a big risk anyway? is it going to change my life? make it better? worse? whose terms am i following? the ones i take are big enough to me. they are the ones that will make a difference in my life. i won't do something just for the rush of it. and that may be dull to some, but i'm the one living this life, no? i do something because it means something. TO ME. not because i am trying to please someone else. so get over it already.

so..

i did some thinking last night and this morning when i woke up.

i missed him when he was away. i know i said i didn't. but when i was with him last night, i felt it.

i came to the decision that i spend too much time looking for sparks and surprises that i am missing out on what is actually going on. he is sincere in what he says and feels and he may not be as expressive as i am or want him to be, but he shows it in his own way. he's never backed down or taken back what he's said or done.

when i finally stopped over analyzing and thinking last night and just enjoyed being with him and what i have.. i had a great time talking to him and just having dinner and watching our movie. he gave me my bday/valentine presents. he went out of his way to find something he thought i would like. he took the time while he was there to think of me.

so.. not settling.. just accepting that i "could" look for the sparks with someone else, have it last for 6 months and still end up where i am right now. or i could just stop fighting it, stop looking for an excuse to not make this work and accept that.. it is possible that this guy here won't hurt me. and he is honest and giving me all that he can offer and all that i could want. because if i am honest with myself, i am happy. i feel loved. and maybe i should stop being scared.

argh

did i not say i didn't want to get sick on my bday? i wasn't going to get drunk and be rowdy? i mean, c'mon.. me, rowdy? omg.. i am one of those drunks i don't like!! no, that is not true. i was so aware of everything that night - especially me, getting sick in my sister's car and saying over and over "i'm sorry". the only thing i had no control over was walking straight. i definitely couldn't drive that night. and i can't believe i threw up $60 worth of food!

so my stomach muscles still hurt and i think i pulled a muscle bowling cause i can't walk properly today. i am never EVER going drinking again. and the clincher is.. i only had 2 and a half bottles of smirnoff twists!! how sad is that? so pathetic. piss-head indeed.

i don't think i was elegantly wasted...i have photos.

30's just a number, right?

right, k.. so today is the last day of my 20's.. kinda overwhelming. don't know why since nothing is gonna change really. i'll still feel the same when i wake up tomorrow, still will look the same. prolly feel the same too.

well, ok maybe not everything will stay the same. i have a new resolution. my 30th bday resolution. everything forward. spent my 20's looking back, missing too many people and too much of my past. so i am going to look forward and not back now that i am 30. bloody hell, everything is so much easier said than done. anyone want to bet i will fall off that wagon quite quickly?

i think the reason i am apprehensive about the whole number 3-0 is that.. i keep thinking of the things i have and have not done since i discovered i have free will. i don't have a lot of regrets. i am not gonna lie and say i don't have any. but i don't dwell on them (well ok, i won't dwell on them). i did some stuff that i have always wanted to do and did all on my own so it's not like i didn't accomplish anything significant. it's just that.. i keep thinking of that time when i was in my teens and i thought people in their 20's were so sophisticated and i could not wait to be one of them. tsk. kids, i tell ya. so impressionable. but i loved being 27. i think that is so far, my favorite year. argh. i will be checking a different age box on questionnaires from now on!!

just need to do some tweaking with the state i am in and everything should be a-ok. well, nothing really goes as planned but here's hoping!

so.. 8 hours and 15 minutes more before the milestone. not counting at all.

your own disaster

"now i could make this obvious and you, you could deny me, all in one breath, you could shrug me off your shoulders"

there are some things that just matter too much for me to give up. i've been told that my expectations are too high and i will always be disappointed when people don't deliver the goods. but isn't it important to know what you want and to compromise but not give in or give up what matters to you?

i need to get away. i need to clear my head. have i really given myself enough time to get over the things i went through? how do you know though? how do you know when you are really ok?

my new year's resolution was to just take it easy this year. even though i don't know what that means, i thought i'd try. and i am failing miserably.

ok, so.. remember. you aren't always going to get what you want. you should be content with what you have.

and just breathe.