keiko

when i finally came home on friday, as soon as i opened the door.. the first thing i heard was the noise darby made with her nails when she would walk or run across the hardwood floor. my heart stopped. i thought "darby's alive! the last two weeks didn't really happen". then i started crying. i thought it was a mean joke that someone was playing on me. it turned out to be keiko running towards the door. everywhere i went, there she was, reminding me of darby. i think everyone at home feels a little better because of her. though mom and john and cheryl have called her darby by accident. dad insists on calling her that too. whatever sadness or hurt they feel has been replaced. but not in a bad way. i think keiko being there helps them cope. the focus is on her instead of the fact that darby is gone.

i didn't think of her much when i was there. i stopped myself from crying. i miss her so much, but i feel like i shouldn't cry or be sad anymore. if i let myself think of her, then i get sad. i just miss her greeting me when i come home. i miss touching her. i miss her just being there. all i have is a vase with her ashes and a box of her toys and collar.

ok, that is not true. i have good memories of her. very fond memories. i guess i just feel bad that i might stop thinking about her constantly one day. that i am forgetting her.

i don't know if i could even have another pet. even if we could. it was hard enough going through that myself as a grown up, i can't imagine kids going through the same.

i miss you darby. i wish i could think of you and not cry and feel sad. i guess i'm not there yet.

rainbow bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown

x & y

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It’s all part of the plan
When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can

I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I want to love you but I don’t know if I can
I know something is broken and i’m trying to fix it
Trying to repair it any way I can

Oooh, oooh...
You and me are floating on a tidal wave
Together
You and me are drifting into outer space
And singing oooh, oooh...

darby feb - aug 13, 2006

I keep thinking about Darby's last day. I can't think of all the years she had with us. I keep re-living what happened. Is that wrong? Am I the only one who keeps thinking that way? Feeling guilty? I feel that I have to get over this first. To accept what happened, so I can be ok. So I can move on and think of the happy times. I feel that I didn't spend enough time with her. Even when I came home to visit. I kept promising to play with her. To walk her. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. I can't remember the last time I walked her. Or the last time I saw her. Did I hang out with her or was I too busy then? I gave her a cookie, I think.

On her last day, I sat with her for a bit. But now I feel that wasn't enough. I didn't get to hold her as the doctor put her down. I couldn't reach her. I'm never going to get that moment back.

When she died, even with everyone crying, I could hear the silence. I felt the emptiness. I couldn't wake her up anymore. It was final. There was no way to turn back time and change our minds. To see her awake again. She was really gone.

I know it was for the best, but I miss her so much. Even though I never saw her everyday after moving out. Even though I won't feel her absence the way the rest of the family will. I will miss her cause I didn't get to spend as much time with her. It's not guilt. It's just loss. I feel the loss, cause I'll never get another chance.

I used to sing to her. She loved her forehead massaged. She had a stump for a tail but when she was happy, she would wag it non-stop.

I'm going to miss her coming up to meet me when I would come home. I will miss hearing her walk and run on the hardwood floor. I will miss her asking for a cookie. I will miss petting her and playing with her. I will miss talking to her.

I know it's part of life. It was going to happen someday. But I just knew it would be hard to put her down.

It's the finality of it all. Never ever seeing her again. Never hearing her. She was so loved. And I will miss her so much.

I don't know if it would have been better or easier to not have been there to see her go. I don't think I'll ever forget how she looked. Her eyes. How she stopped breathing and became limp. She knew. I always come back to how quick it was. And what it was like after when it was over. And the silence at home. Seeing her stuff and not wanting to put them away so soon but not wanting to be reminded. Little things like shutting all the doors after we leave the room cause she used to go in and make a mess. Now when I close the bathroom door I think to myself that I don't need to do that anymore, but it feels like I am forgetting her. How do you explain this to people? What you are feeling when you lose someone you love? Even though they were just a pet.

I get caught off guard with thoughts of her and then I start crying. I don't want to be at work, but I know staying at home is not going to help. But I hate crying out of the blue and everyone seeing. She was more than a pet, she was part of the family for 8 years.

Was it the right time? Was she in pain before she died? Did we wait too long?

what i love and will miss about darby

i loved the way she perked her ears different ways depending on what you ask her.
it made me laugh the way she kept licking her nose when cheryl put peanut butter on her - even though i thought it was mean.
she had us trained - we knew what noises we couldn't make to not upset her.
she loved carrots! she loved bananas and pears.
she knew what behind the line meant.
she understood filipino.
she "wiped" her paws after peeing.
she seemed to know when i was home - she would cry outside my door in the morning to be fed and let out.
i loved the way she ran away with whatever you wanted her to fetch.
she loved running and racing.
i will miss all the tricks that people played on her - putting a cookie on her collar so she could smell it but not get it. or when john put a radio on her collar and kept calling her name.
she was afraid of masks.
the way she would go crazy when she saw her leash. or just the plastic bags.
the way she would cry and shake when it was time for a bath. or time to get groomed.
how happy she was when you took her for a walk or a run.
shaking her paw and when you took away your hand, she would dig her claws down.
they way she would greet you like crazy.
the way she went crazy at the mention of squirrels.
i will miss the walks we took, just the two of us.
she loved chasing golf balls.

there's so much more to this..

"things to do before i die" list

go to england
visit the cotswolds
see Big Ben
go Loch Ness monster hunting
learn to drive standard
go to italian cooking school
sit on Spanish Steps
go people watching in Piazza San Marco
visit Susi in berlin
visit Makki in brussels
go back to the UK
own a house
do grouse grind
go back to phils
see david gray in concert
hug jessie
travel across europe
walk along great wall of china
swim in ocean
learn sign language
get a tattoo
go on a hot air balloon ride
have babies

to be cont'd

i had a dream last night and i woke up quite upset. i dreamt that trevor decided to break up with me but not bother to tell me why. he pretty much just stopped answering my calls and talking to me. i tried to get a hold of him and talk but he would just brush me off. i would see him sign in on msn but he wouldn't say anything and i asked everyone if i waited long enough to try and talk to him - to find out 'why' we broke up. i wanted to know the reason. and then i woke up with a headache.

this isn't the first time i had this dream.

reasons to be happy

trevor
hugs and kisses
sunshine
sleeping in
cuddles
sisters
chocolate
ice cream
piggy back rides
a warm comforter
fireworks
babies....

ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

emails with hugh are funny

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
how about a first house first? ok, ok.. somewhere in the country. my kids will have clean air to breathe and wide open spaces for star gazing at night. or just for me.

2. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
my new pants

3. WHAT WAS THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
etta james from starbucks

4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
i wake up at 7, but i get out of bed at 730

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
my microwave. no, wait. my old oven. i can still bake with it

6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
just the one? hmm.. rocker guitar chick, or international pianist sensation? i'll go with the guitar.

7. FAVOURITE COLOUR?
red and yellow.

8. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
a jeep. or a VW golf or cabrio. neither sports nor SUV?

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE?
i don't know...

10. FAVOURITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
not sure. does HP count? or LOTR? oh, alice in wonderland!

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON?
fall

10.IF YOU HAD A TATTOO, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
i got tink

13. IF YOU HAD A SUPERPOWER WHAT WOULD IT BE?
didn't we already do this before?? hmm.. i used to read this book where everyone had a magical talent. mine was going to be, to fly and to move objects.

14. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
no, but i can hoola hoop.

15. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?
Grandpa Pres

16. WHAT IS IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
if i had a car.. it would be.. spare clothes. and car stuff like a jack and a jumper and all that fun stuff

17. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE DAY?
friday

18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGERS?
erm... hamburgers. no, sushi.

19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FLOWER?
tulips and carnations

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL?
ice cream

21. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?
if you don't know, you suck

22. WHAT CELEBRITY DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON?
who's jeff goldberg? seth green and ryan gosling

no more vegetables for me!! hello chocolate!

argh. i got asked again if i am losing weight. if i am on a diet. NO I AM NOT. i don't know why i am losing weight. i am still eating though i have skipped the snacks. maybe i should go back to eating chocolate. that's how i gained all the weight when i was in the UK! i haven't had proper chocolate in a long time. and i am not talking about the chocolate chips in my granola bars!

skinny isn't always good you know! can't find the right pair of jeans, dresses look like they are still on a hanger! hmph.

this is where i want to be

I MISS MY iBOOK!!!

http://orbicule.com/undercover/

why, why!! why didn't they come up with this 4 months and 10 days ago???

what did my sister say?
Cheryl: it's pretty neat though hey? like, it'll scream
"THIS LAPTOP IS STOLEN AND IS BEING TRACKED
MOTHERFUCKER!!! WE'RE GONNA GET YOU!!!!!"

yeah, exactly!!

summer's gone and summer saw you wasted.. everyday

the days are getting shorter. the season is almost gone. have you accomplished anything? have you let time pass you by again? did you add to your regrets?

what are you looking for? are you ever going to find it?

yawwwwnn

bloody hell. i am so tired today. i don't know why. i think i slept. maybe i should set my alarm for 730 instead of 7, that way i don't have to hit the snooze button 4 times before actually getting up. i don't think interrupted sleep or even napping in 9 minute intervals is good. the shower usually helps. and i am normally awake by this time, but all i really want right now is to lay on the bed and sleep some more. my head hurts.

stupid dreams!! i dreamt that a bathroom my sister and i were trying to use was haunted. i woke up in the middle of this dream and i felt the back of my head being massaged. i thought it was my ponytail falling off. then i remembered i took off the elastic before i went to bed! so i rolled over, never opened my eyes and slept on by back under the covers. no one touches my head!! not in a freak me out way!!

bloody.