I keep thinking about Darby's last day. I can't think of all the years she had with us. I keep re-living what happened. Is that wrong? Am I the only one who keeps thinking that way? Feeling guilty? I feel that I have to get over this first. To accept what happened, so I can be ok. So I can move on and think of the happy times. I feel that I didn't spend enough time with her. Even when I came home to visit. I kept promising to play with her. To walk her. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. I can't remember the last time I walked her. Or the last time I saw her. Did I hang out with her or was I too busy then? I gave her a cookie, I think.
On her last day, I sat with her for a bit. But now I feel that wasn't enough. I didn't get to hold her as the doctor put her down. I couldn't reach her. I'm never going to get that moment back.
When she died, even with everyone crying, I could hear the silence. I felt the emptiness. I couldn't wake her up anymore. It was final. There was no way to turn back time and change our minds. To see her awake again. She was really gone.
I know it was for the best, but I miss her so much. Even though I never saw her everyday after moving out. Even though I won't feel her absence the way the rest of the family will. I will miss her cause I didn't get to spend as much time with her. It's not guilt. It's just loss. I feel the loss, cause I'll never get another chance.
I used to sing to her. She loved her forehead massaged. She had a stump for a tail but when she was happy, she would wag it non-stop.
I'm going to miss her coming up to meet me when I would come home. I will miss hearing her walk and run on the hardwood floor. I will miss her asking for a cookie. I will miss petting her and playing with her. I will miss talking to her.
I know it's part of life. It was going to happen someday. But I just knew it would be hard to put her down.
It's the finality of it all. Never ever seeing her again. Never hearing her. She was so loved. And I will miss her so much.
I don't know if it would have been better or easier to not have been there to see her go. I don't think I'll ever forget how she looked. Her eyes. How she stopped breathing and became limp. She knew. I always come back to how quick it was. And what it was like after when it was over. And the silence at home. Seeing her stuff and not wanting to put them away so soon but not wanting to be reminded. Little things like shutting all the doors after we leave the room cause she used to go in and make a mess. Now when I close the bathroom door I think to myself that I don't need to do that anymore, but it feels like I am forgetting her. How do you explain this to people? What you are feeling when you lose someone you love? Even though they were just a pet.
I get caught off guard with thoughts of her and then I start crying. I don't want to be at work, but I know staying at home is not going to help. But I hate crying out of the blue and everyone seeing. She was more than a pet, she was part of the family for 8 years.
Was it the right time? Was she in pain before she died? Did we wait too long?
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