keiko

when i finally came home on friday, as soon as i opened the door.. the first thing i heard was the noise darby made with her nails when she would walk or run across the hardwood floor. my heart stopped. i thought "darby's alive! the last two weeks didn't really happen". then i started crying. i thought it was a mean joke that someone was playing on me. it turned out to be keiko running towards the door. everywhere i went, there she was, reminding me of darby. i think everyone at home feels a little better because of her. though mom and john and cheryl have called her darby by accident. dad insists on calling her that too. whatever sadness or hurt they feel has been replaced. but not in a bad way. i think keiko being there helps them cope. the focus is on her instead of the fact that darby is gone.

i didn't think of her much when i was there. i stopped myself from crying. i miss her so much, but i feel like i shouldn't cry or be sad anymore. if i let myself think of her, then i get sad. i just miss her greeting me when i come home. i miss touching her. i miss her just being there. all i have is a vase with her ashes and a box of her toys and collar.

ok, that is not true. i have good memories of her. very fond memories. i guess i just feel bad that i might stop thinking about her constantly one day. that i am forgetting her.

i don't know if i could even have another pet. even if we could. it was hard enough going through that myself as a grown up, i can't imagine kids going through the same.

i miss you darby. i wish i could think of you and not cry and feel sad. i guess i'm not there yet.