I know I’ve been mistaken
But just give me a break
And see the changes that I’ve made
I’ve got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all
And throw them in my face
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting
I hope you’re not intending
To be so condescending
It’s as much as I can take
And you’re so independent
You just refuse to bend
So I keep bending till I break
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting
I’ve made a commitment
I’m willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Can’t you just forgive me
I don’t want to relive all the mistakes
I’ve made along the way
But I always find a way
To keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
To keep you right here waiting
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
We always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If I chose to walk away
Would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep me right here waiting
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
a little less conversation
dear trevor,
i know that just because you don't say it back or don't respond to my text, doesn't mean you don't feel the same. i don't know why it bothers me when i send you something and you don't say anything back. it's happened a few times before so it really is my fault for keeping on doing it. but i tell myself that i want you to know. that i love you. and how much. sometimes i tell myself to keep things inside. not to share too much. but that is not me. i feel like i am going to burst. i have to tell myself that not everyone does the same things as me. or reacts and sees the same way. but why shouldn't i say what i feel? i'd regret it if i didn't. i know you love me. i see it when you look at me and then smile for no reason. i feel it when you hug me and hold me close. when you brush my hair away from my face. when you kiss me on my head when we watch tv.
i always tell myself, this time.. this time it will be different. no arguments. no discussions. just enjoy each other's company. to hug him back when he hugs me. to kiss him more. to hold his hand when we walk. to live in the moment and not think of the past or the future.
i am curious about you. i do want to know all about you. where you grew up, what you were like growing up. the worst thing you have ever done, and the best thing. your proudest moment. the happiest time of your life. your biggest fear. the saddest day you've experienced. your biggest secret.
i don't know why i am so curious about your past. especially your relationships. i want to know why things ended. why they started. who you've loved.
lately.. i feel this need to satisfy my curiosity about you. to know as much as i can. but without prying. i'd like to tell you about myself too. but there are too many skeletons in my closet. i don't think i can tell you the worst thing i've done. the worst thing that's happened to me. and that doesn't mean i am lying. i'm just not sharing the information. stuff that you don't need to know, cause it would not help our relatioship any. it just might make you look at me in a different light and i don't think i can handle that.
i know that just because you don't say it back or don't respond to my text, doesn't mean you don't feel the same. i don't know why it bothers me when i send you something and you don't say anything back. it's happened a few times before so it really is my fault for keeping on doing it. but i tell myself that i want you to know. that i love you. and how much. sometimes i tell myself to keep things inside. not to share too much. but that is not me. i feel like i am going to burst. i have to tell myself that not everyone does the same things as me. or reacts and sees the same way. but why shouldn't i say what i feel? i'd regret it if i didn't. i know you love me. i see it when you look at me and then smile for no reason. i feel it when you hug me and hold me close. when you brush my hair away from my face. when you kiss me on my head when we watch tv.
i always tell myself, this time.. this time it will be different. no arguments. no discussions. just enjoy each other's company. to hug him back when he hugs me. to kiss him more. to hold his hand when we walk. to live in the moment and not think of the past or the future.
i am curious about you. i do want to know all about you. where you grew up, what you were like growing up. the worst thing you have ever done, and the best thing. your proudest moment. the happiest time of your life. your biggest fear. the saddest day you've experienced. your biggest secret.
i don't know why i am so curious about your past. especially your relationships. i want to know why things ended. why they started. who you've loved.
lately.. i feel this need to satisfy my curiosity about you. to know as much as i can. but without prying. i'd like to tell you about myself too. but there are too many skeletons in my closet. i don't think i can tell you the worst thing i've done. the worst thing that's happened to me. and that doesn't mean i am lying. i'm just not sharing the information. stuff that you don't need to know, cause it would not help our relatioship any. it just might make you look at me in a different light and i don't think i can handle that.
Monday, April 24, 2006
strike two
everytime i think we are ok, something comes up. i try to ignore or get over it, but it just sits there and i can't bring myself to be ok. in seattle, we had a talk. it was a good talk, but he said something that i didn't share with anyone. when we talked about his drinking, i asked him if that part of him is something that he doesn't want to change. without hesitation, he said no. he said drinking relaxes him, opens him up. you know, that's fine. i drink too, but i don't drink until i am drunk, whether or not i plan it. i just know when to stop. it's the drinking too much that i have a problem with. i told him about growing up with someone with a drinking problem and how bad it was for us kids and my mom. and even now, it still has an affect on me. i hate that i am with someone who doesn't think he has a problem. i don't know if it IS a problem but i hate the feeling. and if i had kids, i wouldn't want them to go through what i went through. he doesn't understand this. all he had to say was 'i would never put you or children in danger'.
he hasn't gone out and drunk his face off since the end of march. even then i don't know if he did. he sounded sober on the phone when i talked to him at 315 in the morning. and he was up early the next day to do something for me.
but yesterday, there was a football game on at 8am. he kept saying he would meet me at the 5K and at the end. i knew he would be drinking but i didn't think he would drink more than one before noon. to be honest, i don't know how much he had. but by 1105am, i called him and he didn't pick up. so i sent him a text saying i was nearing the 5K mark. he never called me back. he never showed up. i tried calling him at the 7K, still nothing. he finally called me when i was at the 9K and told me that he couldn't feel the phone (it was on vibrate) while he was walking. he saw that he had a lot of missed calls and texts from me, that is why he called. to tell me he was going to meet me at the end cause he saw that he missed me at the halfway mark. i asked him, did he not wonder why he hadn't heard from me if he was supposed to meet me at the 5K? did he think it would take me longer than half an hour to get there? he said that the time got away from him. when i met him at the end, i didn't even hug him or be near enough but i could smell alcohol on his breath. even after he had a shower and brushed his teeth at 230pm. i told him that the reason i told him not to meet me downtown was cause i knew there was a game and he might want to do other things after. i didn't want him to promise or say he would and not follow through. but he kept insisting. and he let me down. i had a crappy run. it was supposed to be a good day. i did so well! but when i got to the finish line, i was just pissed. i couldn't even enjoy my moment. when i confronted him later that day, i said i didn't even get an apology from him for not showing up. and he said, 'like i told you, i didn't hear the phone. i was walking towards the race. i was on my way'. but he didn't say anything about where he was when he was supposed to meet me. i didn't want to press it, but i was so upset. even after i started crying, he didn't say anything. this is the second time, he chose drinking over me. i am trying to be fair, since i wasn't there both times, so i don't honestly know if he was drinking his face off this time, but i know he chose to hang out with his friends to go drinking the first time.
he tells me he loves me more than anything in the world. and i know he does. he does things that i love. he makes me laugh. but i am not always happy. i can't honestly say 'yes, i am completely happy with you'. i want to be. i do. but i don't know if i can make peace with this. it seems like such a waste, to give up something we both want, over this.
andrea told me that i should go on a break. just tell him that, 'this is what you are going to lose if you choose to live your life this way'. i'm tired of being up and down. or telling people everything is good and then feel like crap the next time.
i KNOW he won't give up his drinking. and i am not asking him to. but when he forgets me, because he is having too much fun with his drinking.. it hurts. i know he will let me go, even though he will say that he is hurting and sad that we are not together. but he thinks that if i make a decision, it must be what i want, so there is no point asking me to stay. he doesn't like fighting, so if i say i am going to leave, he will let me go just to avoid arguing. a part of me, doesn't want to leave because i don't want to hurt. not again. i don't think i can pick myself up again after this. it was hard enough to start over and to trust.
am i settling? i don't know what to do. i do love him. i am happy at times. but when he does something like this, i can't help but feel really hurt and i cry and i don't want to cry anymore, you know? i thought i was done with that.
i don't know what to do.
he hasn't gone out and drunk his face off since the end of march. even then i don't know if he did. he sounded sober on the phone when i talked to him at 315 in the morning. and he was up early the next day to do something for me.
but yesterday, there was a football game on at 8am. he kept saying he would meet me at the 5K and at the end. i knew he would be drinking but i didn't think he would drink more than one before noon. to be honest, i don't know how much he had. but by 1105am, i called him and he didn't pick up. so i sent him a text saying i was nearing the 5K mark. he never called me back. he never showed up. i tried calling him at the 7K, still nothing. he finally called me when i was at the 9K and told me that he couldn't feel the phone (it was on vibrate) while he was walking. he saw that he had a lot of missed calls and texts from me, that is why he called. to tell me he was going to meet me at the end cause he saw that he missed me at the halfway mark. i asked him, did he not wonder why he hadn't heard from me if he was supposed to meet me at the 5K? did he think it would take me longer than half an hour to get there? he said that the time got away from him. when i met him at the end, i didn't even hug him or be near enough but i could smell alcohol on his breath. even after he had a shower and brushed his teeth at 230pm. i told him that the reason i told him not to meet me downtown was cause i knew there was a game and he might want to do other things after. i didn't want him to promise or say he would and not follow through. but he kept insisting. and he let me down. i had a crappy run. it was supposed to be a good day. i did so well! but when i got to the finish line, i was just pissed. i couldn't even enjoy my moment. when i confronted him later that day, i said i didn't even get an apology from him for not showing up. and he said, 'like i told you, i didn't hear the phone. i was walking towards the race. i was on my way'. but he didn't say anything about where he was when he was supposed to meet me. i didn't want to press it, but i was so upset. even after i started crying, he didn't say anything. this is the second time, he chose drinking over me. i am trying to be fair, since i wasn't there both times, so i don't honestly know if he was drinking his face off this time, but i know he chose to hang out with his friends to go drinking the first time.
he tells me he loves me more than anything in the world. and i know he does. he does things that i love. he makes me laugh. but i am not always happy. i can't honestly say 'yes, i am completely happy with you'. i want to be. i do. but i don't know if i can make peace with this. it seems like such a waste, to give up something we both want, over this.
andrea told me that i should go on a break. just tell him that, 'this is what you are going to lose if you choose to live your life this way'. i'm tired of being up and down. or telling people everything is good and then feel like crap the next time.
i KNOW he won't give up his drinking. and i am not asking him to. but when he forgets me, because he is having too much fun with his drinking.. it hurts. i know he will let me go, even though he will say that he is hurting and sad that we are not together. but he thinks that if i make a decision, it must be what i want, so there is no point asking me to stay. he doesn't like fighting, so if i say i am going to leave, he will let me go just to avoid arguing. a part of me, doesn't want to leave because i don't want to hurt. not again. i don't think i can pick myself up again after this. it was hard enough to start over and to trust.
am i settling? i don't know what to do. i do love him. i am happy at times. but when he does something like this, i can't help but feel really hurt and i cry and i don't want to cry anymore, you know? i thought i was done with that.
i don't know what to do.
82:13
it was a gorgeous day yesterday. the sun was out warming my face. and i did it! i walked most of the way, but ran 4.5K
and i made good time. i am so proud of myself. next up, the grouse grind.
and i made good time. i am so proud of myself. next up, the grouse grind.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
What it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine says:
am i immature? i can be, i'm sure. but am i often enough or just once in a while?
I just don't know what to do with myself.. says:
no, i think that you've matured. you were VERY immature before
I just don't know what to do with myself.. says:
i think you're starting to reflect a bit more now rather than being impulsive, which is really good. what do you think?
What it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine says:
really? wow, that's nice to hear
What it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine says:
i guess moving out helped a lot
I just don't know what to do with myself.. says:
yeah.. and it's a recent change i think.. when you first moved out you had a lot of growing up to do still
What it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine says:
what do you mean?
I just don't know what to do with myself.. says:
i think it was an adjustment for you initially.. and you were also going through some stuff personally (like mark, etc) and w/ the move and all, it was an adjustment.. but now that you've settled.. you've become more settled and grounded
am i immature? i can be, i'm sure. but am i often enough or just once in a while?
I just don't know what to do with myself.. says:
no, i think that you've matured. you were VERY immature before
I just don't know what to do with myself.. says:
i think you're starting to reflect a bit more now rather than being impulsive, which is really good. what do you think?
What it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine says:
really? wow, that's nice to hear
What it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine says:
i guess moving out helped a lot
I just don't know what to do with myself.. says:
yeah.. and it's a recent change i think.. when you first moved out you had a lot of growing up to do still
What it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine says:
what do you mean?
I just don't know what to do with myself.. says:
i think it was an adjustment for you initially.. and you were also going through some stuff personally (like mark, etc) and w/ the move and all, it was an adjustment.. but now that you've settled.. you've become more settled and grounded
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
april 5, 2006
"difficulties in partnerships and even close friendships were discouraging for the last several months (bit of a bummer). Things will start to be different because you have more clarity about what you want. Yes, you may still have to make major adjustments but now you know what you're aiming for"
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
some things don't change...
i didn't realize how much i've always known what i want. i thought i was just saying it for the moment. but looking back and reading old stuff, i have been saying the same thing over and over. doesn't that say something about me? have i changed? do i stick to what i say and believe in?
May 19, 2005
10:54pm
what do i want? i want someone who wants to be with me. not someone waiting for the right moment. i want to be wanted from the beginning and not someone who makes what we have something really difficult to work for. not in the beginning.
June 19, 2005
11:12pm
i miss being around you. i miss holding your hand. i miss being close to you. but i wanted you to hold me more. i wanted you to hold me longer. where were the butterflies? where were the fireworks and giddiness? where were the things that you feel in the beginning when you start seeing someone before you get used to each other and things stop being new and exciting? i want that.
June 26, 2005
10:40pm
do i just miss the company or do i really care about you? why am i not strong? do i jump the gun too fast or do i really feel things as honestly as i think i do at the moment i do things or make decisions?
that last line stands out. i can't believe i thought that. but it is true. i still think that. i sometimes think i act in haste.
has anything changed? i am just in shock that the person i wrote this all for, is not the same one i am with now, yet i am still feeling the same things. i thought things were different.
Sept 27, 2005
10:57pm
a part of me feels i should just live. never mind the hurt and feeling scared. i will still get hurt and scared i shouldn't let that stop me from living life.
but the other part - it tells me to be cautious and give myself time. to remember the consequences of not waiting. of jumping in.
who do i listen to?
how do we really know that we are ready? that we are over something or someone? how do we really know that this is what we want? we need?
May 19, 2005
10:54pm
what do i want? i want someone who wants to be with me. not someone waiting for the right moment. i want to be wanted from the beginning and not someone who makes what we have something really difficult to work for. not in the beginning.
June 19, 2005
11:12pm
i miss being around you. i miss holding your hand. i miss being close to you. but i wanted you to hold me more. i wanted you to hold me longer. where were the butterflies? where were the fireworks and giddiness? where were the things that you feel in the beginning when you start seeing someone before you get used to each other and things stop being new and exciting? i want that.
June 26, 2005
10:40pm
do i just miss the company or do i really care about you? why am i not strong? do i jump the gun too fast or do i really feel things as honestly as i think i do at the moment i do things or make decisions?
that last line stands out. i can't believe i thought that. but it is true. i still think that. i sometimes think i act in haste.
has anything changed? i am just in shock that the person i wrote this all for, is not the same one i am with now, yet i am still feeling the same things. i thought things were different.
Sept 27, 2005
10:57pm
a part of me feels i should just live. never mind the hurt and feeling scared. i will still get hurt and scared i shouldn't let that stop me from living life.
but the other part - it tells me to be cautious and give myself time. to remember the consequences of not waiting. of jumping in.
who do i listen to?
how do we really know that we are ready? that we are over something or someone? how do we really know that this is what we want? we need?
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