some things don't change...

i didn't realize how much i've always known what i want. i thought i was just saying it for the moment. but looking back and reading old stuff, i have been saying the same thing over and over. doesn't that say something about me? have i changed? do i stick to what i say and believe in?

May 19, 2005
10:54pm
what do i want? i want someone who wants to be with me. not someone waiting for the right moment. i want to be wanted from the beginning and not someone who makes what we have something really difficult to work for. not in the beginning.

June 19, 2005
11:12pm
i miss being around you. i miss holding your hand. i miss being close to you. but i wanted you to hold me more. i wanted you to hold me longer. where were the butterflies? where were the fireworks and giddiness? where were the things that you feel in the beginning when you start seeing someone before you get used to each other and things stop being new and exciting? i want that.

June 26, 2005
10:40pm
do i just miss the company or do i really care about you? why am i not strong? do i jump the gun too fast or do i really feel things as honestly as i think i do at the moment i do things or make decisions?


that last line stands out. i can't believe i thought that. but it is true. i still think that. i sometimes think i act in haste.

has anything changed? i am just in shock that the person i wrote this all for, is not the same one i am with now, yet i am still feeling the same things. i thought things were different.


Sept 27, 2005
10:57pm
a part of me feels i should just live. never mind the hurt and feeling scared. i will still get hurt and scared i shouldn't let that stop me from living life.
but the other part - it tells me to be cautious and give myself time. to remember the consequences of not waiting. of jumping in.
who do i listen to?


how do we really know that we are ready? that we are over something or someone? how do we really know that this is what we want? we need?