strike two

everytime i think we are ok, something comes up. i try to ignore or get over it, but it just sits there and i can't bring myself to be ok. in seattle, we had a talk. it was a good talk, but he said something that i didn't share with anyone. when we talked about his drinking, i asked him if that part of him is something that he doesn't want to change. without hesitation, he said no. he said drinking relaxes him, opens him up. you know, that's fine. i drink too, but i don't drink until i am drunk, whether or not i plan it. i just know when to stop. it's the drinking too much that i have a problem with. i told him about growing up with someone with a drinking problem and how bad it was for us kids and my mom. and even now, it still has an affect on me. i hate that i am with someone who doesn't think he has a problem. i don't know if it IS a problem but i hate the feeling. and if i had kids, i wouldn't want them to go through what i went through. he doesn't understand this. all he had to say was 'i would never put you or children in danger'.

he hasn't gone out and drunk his face off since the end of march. even then i don't know if he did. he sounded sober on the phone when i talked to him at 315 in the morning. and he was up early the next day to do something for me.

but yesterday, there was a football game on at 8am. he kept saying he would meet me at the 5K and at the end. i knew he would be drinking but i didn't think he would drink more than one before noon. to be honest, i don't know how much he had. but by 1105am, i called him and he didn't pick up. so i sent him a text saying i was nearing the 5K mark. he never called me back. he never showed up. i tried calling him at the 7K, still nothing. he finally called me when i was at the 9K and told me that he couldn't feel the phone (it was on vibrate) while he was walking. he saw that he had a lot of missed calls and texts from me, that is why he called. to tell me he was going to meet me at the end cause he saw that he missed me at the halfway mark. i asked him, did he not wonder why he hadn't heard from me if he was supposed to meet me at the 5K? did he think it would take me longer than half an hour to get there? he said that the time got away from him. when i met him at the end, i didn't even hug him or be near enough but i could smell alcohol on his breath. even after he had a shower and brushed his teeth at 230pm. i told him that the reason i told him not to meet me downtown was cause i knew there was a game and he might want to do other things after. i didn't want him to promise or say he would and not follow through. but he kept insisting. and he let me down. i had a crappy run. it was supposed to be a good day. i did so well! but when i got to the finish line, i was just pissed. i couldn't even enjoy my moment. when i confronted him later that day, i said i didn't even get an apology from him for not showing up. and he said, 'like i told you, i didn't hear the phone. i was walking towards the race. i was on my way'. but he didn't say anything about where he was when he was supposed to meet me. i didn't want to press it, but i was so upset. even after i started crying, he didn't say anything. this is the second time, he chose drinking over me. i am trying to be fair, since i wasn't there both times, so i don't honestly know if he was drinking his face off this time, but i know he chose to hang out with his friends to go drinking the first time.

he tells me he loves me more than anything in the world. and i know he does. he does things that i love. he makes me laugh. but i am not always happy. i can't honestly say 'yes, i am completely happy with you'. i want to be. i do. but i don't know if i can make peace with this. it seems like such a waste, to give up something we both want, over this.

andrea told me that i should go on a break. just tell him that, 'this is what you are going to lose if you choose to live your life this way'. i'm tired of being up and down. or telling people everything is good and then feel like crap the next time.

i KNOW he won't give up his drinking. and i am not asking him to. but when he forgets me, because he is having too much fun with his drinking.. it hurts. i know he will let me go, even though he will say that he is hurting and sad that we are not together. but he thinks that if i make a decision, it must be what i want, so there is no point asking me to stay. he doesn't like fighting, so if i say i am going to leave, he will let me go just to avoid arguing. a part of me, doesn't want to leave because i don't want to hurt. not again. i don't think i can pick myself up again after this. it was hard enough to start over and to trust.

am i settling? i don't know what to do. i do love him. i am happy at times. but when he does something like this, i can't help but feel really hurt and i cry and i don't want to cry anymore, you know? i thought i was done with that.

i don't know what to do.