that particular time - alanis morissette

My foundation was rocked, my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
My departures were old, I stood in the room shaking in my boots
At that particular time, love had challenged me to stay
At that particular moment I knew not to run away again
That particular month I was ready to investigate with you
At that particular time

We thought a break would be good, for four months we sat and vacillated
We thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
At that particular time, love encouraged me to wait
At that particular moment it helped me to be patient
That particular month we needed time to marinate in what us meant

I’ve always wanted for you what you’ve wanted for yourself
And yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
And in the meantime I lost myself
In the meantime I lost myself
I’m sorry I lost myself
I am

You knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
You felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
At that particular time, love encouraged me to leave
At that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
That particular month was harder than you’d believe but I still left
At that particular time

1:40

so i did the grouse grind... in an hour and 40 minutes for my first try. not bad. now i know what to expect for the next time. i thought i'd be doing it in 2 hours or more.. i know that my cardio is not the very best so i expected a lot of stopping but with mosquitos as big as my head landing on me everytime i slowed down, i didn't take long breaks. but i have to give myself more credit than i usually do. thought i couldn't handle pain but i did when i got my tattoo. thought i would take a long time to do grouse and i didn't.

i used to think i can take emotional pain but not the physical kind.. but i think i got that wrong

awake - dashboard confessional

awake
for the years it takes to see you
til i almost lose my mind
cause i'll never be alright
and i'm sorry you had to see this
but i am such a mess
and i never could forget
i'm scared i'll miss the way we used to talk
and if it's all forever lost, i don't want to know
i'm scared that you're the one that got away
and i want you here with me tonight
you never come
i'm scared i'll miss the way we used to talk
and if it's all forever lost, i don't want to know
i'm scared that you're the one that got away
and i want you here with me tonight
you never come

i caught the bug again

i thought the desire to travel has left me. but i've been thinking about it a lot again. i wish i were younger. it really sucks for a woman at my age because i’d have to choose between traveling and seeing the world and starting a family. granted.. i have no one to start a family with, but that is not the point.

i feel different from the way i was before. i used to always make plans and if they didn’t happen accordingly, i would completely make an ass of myself getting mad. i used to make lists. now i don’t anymore. i mean, i still make lists but sometimes i just throw them away without looking at them. i like structure. i like following rules. but i also sometimes like to wing it. i don’t always have a map. if i get lost, i backtrack. if i take a detour, i try to enjoy the scenery. in my head, i have an idea of the general direction i am going. and the map is there if i need it.

if i were facing that proverbial fork in the road at this moment.. my first instinct would be to take that well traveled path. but i would always wonder what was on the other side. and i know i would backtrack and take the other. i would want to ask if anyone would join me, but i would hesitate cause i'd want to see if i could do it alone. i’d be terrified, but i’d meet them at the other side. and in the end, i’d say to myself that wasn’t so bad. before, i would always for sure, take the road well traveled, no questions asked. but now, i’d take that new road, half wanting to do it on my own just to prove to myself – not to anyone else – that i could do it, and half wanting to be with someone just in case it got lonely. just to have that person to talk to at the end of the day. how can one person want two different things at the same time? maybe i like traveling on my own. no wait, leaving on my own. i feel like if i have someone with me constantly, i can’t do anything out of the ordinary because i won’t challenge myself. i have a safety net.

my grandma said that the horizontal line across your palm means you have a heart and mind and the vertical line means intelligence. hmm, looking at mine, both lines only go halfway. i told her i have half a heart, and half a mind. geez. now that i think about it.. my decisions are always based on half heart, half mind. and i haven’t learned anything from my past mistakes – i guess i’m not that smart. well that makes sense!

do people who have less choices live happier lives? or do they wish they have more?

"some people act like there is something better out there. and that is just so stupid. i mean, we only have the people we have right? so if we run from that, we keep running from that. and i know people think i'm delusional or something, but i know what's going on. and i just think that people make things harder than they should be. only put themselves through this unnecessary torture for no apparent reason"

i feel like i am in a permanent state of nostalgia

i've always said i want kids. i want to get married and have a family. but i also know that i want time for myself first. and time with just my husband. i've lived with my family all my life. i want time alone. then i started thinking the other morning that maybe i don't want kids after all. but i can't remember the reason why. last night, i had some friends over for dinner and we started talking about marriage and family. when given a choice between doing what they do now and looking after kids, cooking, keeping the house together.. they both chose the latter. i asked them what they would do for themselves, in terms of working or just doing something for themselves and not someone else. having their own life. they both looked at me and said "that IS your life". what?? that's it? all you do, day in and day out: clean house, cook, look after kid/s?? then i realized, perhaps i am not meant to have kids. not just not ready for them. just not meant to have them. i'm too selfish. i want to think of just myself still - my own person, my own life - even if i were in a relationship or have a family. how does that work? you are supposed to be unselfish. you give fully to others and not just to yourself.

how did i get like this? why so hell bent on being independent, when at the same time, i know how companionship is important?

i figured it's because i'm not fulfilled with my life and what i have done so far. and until i do that - maybe i won't be ready to care for others.

i still want kids. i just don't know if i can or am capable to have them. i don't mean physically. but emotionally and mentally. and that scares me.