i caught the bug again

i thought the desire to travel has left me. but i've been thinking about it a lot again. i wish i were younger. it really sucks for a woman at my age because i’d have to choose between traveling and seeing the world and starting a family. granted.. i have no one to start a family with, but that is not the point.

i feel different from the way i was before. i used to always make plans and if they didn’t happen accordingly, i would completely make an ass of myself getting mad. i used to make lists. now i don’t anymore. i mean, i still make lists but sometimes i just throw them away without looking at them. i like structure. i like following rules. but i also sometimes like to wing it. i don’t always have a map. if i get lost, i backtrack. if i take a detour, i try to enjoy the scenery. in my head, i have an idea of the general direction i am going. and the map is there if i need it.

if i were facing that proverbial fork in the road at this moment.. my first instinct would be to take that well traveled path. but i would always wonder what was on the other side. and i know i would backtrack and take the other. i would want to ask if anyone would join me, but i would hesitate cause i'd want to see if i could do it alone. i’d be terrified, but i’d meet them at the other side. and in the end, i’d say to myself that wasn’t so bad. before, i would always for sure, take the road well traveled, no questions asked. but now, i’d take that new road, half wanting to do it on my own just to prove to myself – not to anyone else – that i could do it, and half wanting to be with someone just in case it got lonely. just to have that person to talk to at the end of the day. how can one person want two different things at the same time? maybe i like traveling on my own. no wait, leaving on my own. i feel like if i have someone with me constantly, i can’t do anything out of the ordinary because i won’t challenge myself. i have a safety net.

my grandma said that the horizontal line across your palm means you have a heart and mind and the vertical line means intelligence. hmm, looking at mine, both lines only go halfway. i told her i have half a heart, and half a mind. geez. now that i think about it.. my decisions are always based on half heart, half mind. and i haven’t learned anything from my past mistakes – i guess i’m not that smart. well that makes sense!