i've always said i want kids. i want to get married and have a family. but i also know that i want time for myself first. and time with just my husband. i've lived with my family all my life. i want time alone. then i started thinking the other morning that maybe i don't want kids after all. but i can't remember the reason why. last night, i had some friends over for dinner and we started talking about marriage and family. when given a choice between doing what they do now and looking after kids, cooking, keeping the house together.. they both chose the latter. i asked them what they would do for themselves, in terms of working or just doing something for themselves and not someone else. having their own life. they both looked at me and said "that IS your life". what?? that's it? all you do, day in and day out: clean house, cook, look after kid/s?? then i realized, perhaps i am not meant to have kids. not just not ready for them. just not meant to have them. i'm too selfish. i want to think of just myself still - my own person, my own life - even if i were in a relationship or have a family. how does that work? you are supposed to be unselfish. you give fully to others and not just to yourself.
how did i get like this? why so hell bent on being independent, when at the same time, i know how companionship is important?
i figured it's because i'm not fulfilled with my life and what i have done so far. and until i do that - maybe i won't be ready to care for others.
i still want kids. i just don't know if i can or am capable to have them. i don't mean physically. but emotionally and mentally. and that scares me.
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