what is my resolution this year? i know i said i should stop making them because i never follow through, but for some reason, i feel the need this year.

i thought i was doing well. i thought i finally took charge and am doing something to make changes. then all of a sudden, i feel like i took a mighty leap backwards. i sure feel like i have failed and i have just barely started.

so i've decided to bite the bullet and see that counselor about the drinking issue. i've finally decided to let my pride take a backseat and talk finances. i'm trying to talk it out more instead of my standard 'nothing'. i really want to not be low all the time. i want to smile more, not just for you but for myself. this year is supposed to be different. it did the first few days. but suddenly it changed and i've lost that drive.

dec 28, 2006. lowest of the lows. will i ever actually get over it? do i want to? i feel like i need a reminder so things don't get out of hand again. but it hurts so much every time i remember. so why do i keep thinking about it? i'm not. i don't do it on purpose. it just attacks me out of nowhere and i have a hard time letting go.

i want to be one of those optimistic people. always seeing the glass half full, instead of never finding a happy medium.