written sept 7, 2006 @ 10:52am

i wrote this 4 months ago. why didn't i post it?


Growth, the very essence of change and transformation, is about pushing back what is--and making room for what can be (Judith E. Glaser, 2006)

i can't believe i am 30. i know it's just a number, but i can almost feel time and its hold on things that i can't do anymore. well, i can. i just have to give up other things in exchange. i don't want to spend all my time looking back. i can't help it. i miss things and moments and missed chances. so i try to make new moments and not miss anymore of anything. it's the journey, not the destination i keep telling myself. i spent my 20's looking back and not really living the moment and now i feel bad about it. but have i learned from that? i hope so.

traveling:
i love it. i went where i wanted to go and i have been to a lot of places in the US. i would have loved to have done the camping trip across europe. i hope i can still travel later. if i don't.. would it bother me for the rest of my life? it might. but i don't want to regret not having done it. i always hear people say, if you want something or want to be somewhere, just picture yourself doing it and being there and you will. just go and do it. but it's not that easy! first off, it's not like i can just take off from work. second, if i decided to just take off and not work, i would still have to come back sometime. and to what? to live with my parents until i find a job? being a world traveler does not automatically guarantee employment after you decide you've had enough of it. what would i have after roaming the world and spending all my savings? so the question is.. would i be ok and be able to live without regrets, if i give up the notion of seeing the world? it's not like i can't ever travel again. i just can't go for long periods of unemployment. and i do want to settle down. i do want to get married and have kids. i do want a house. so.. the practical side of me knows not to blow my future on sights and well roundedness. the reality of it is, there are a lot of things that people want to do but will most likely never get the chance to do them.

type A:
ok, so don't make plans. go with the flow. throw out the lists and enjoy the ride. man, why are things so much easier said than done? i honestly don't know where i got this from. my parents are not list makers. they don't have a schedule that they keep. they don't need to know things in advance. so why do i??? enjoy the ride.. i don't need another reason to look back. but sometimes it is necessary to have a plan. to have a guide. especially if i have to take transit. literally. i need to know where and when. sometimes i don't mind waiting, sometimes i do. i find it hard to be ok with 'just a little bit'.

relationships:
2 individual people. can't always be together or do things together. but if i only see you once during the week and not always during the weekend, isn't it ok to be upset? i can't do long distance. i can't do 'you do your own thing, i do mine and we'll see each other whenever'.


i want to be:
brave
strong
independent
self-assured

my fears:
missed chances
endings
change

that i haven't done everything i want to do before i enter this next phase. that i have to close that book and accept it without regrets. that i have to be responsible for others. that i am growing up badly and ungracefully. that i look back too much. that i have to be completely open and hold no secrets and it makes me feel extremely vulnerable. that this is real, and this is my life.

that when we move in with each other, we would take each other for granted. that you won't tell me how nice it is when i sit with you on the couch and watch tv with you. or when we go to bed and you tell me how much you've missed me and how much nicer it is when i am there. that we will always fight about certain things and i will always feel left out.

my wants:
to be ok with not seeing you for 5 days. i know that seems trivial and some people do it for longer, but i am not one of them. i'm not ok with not seeing you and it is not the kind of relationship i want. it's not like we live far apart. but i want to be ok with it. it's not what i want, because it's not who i am. but i want to be ok with it so we don't fight about it.


some times i think i am ok. some days, i feel ok and i think life is great. i appreciate what i have and i am happy. but this feeling does not last and i don't know why. i don't want to be the kind of person who sees the glass half empty. i don't want to not be a good thing for someone. i want to be someone good in their life. i don't know where the negativity comes from. sometimes it feels easier to just wallow in this.