life for rent

i have to say.. sometimes it scares me to think that far ahead. my life has always been a temporary one. i could take off anytime. i had nothing and no one holding me back. i had no responsibilities and everything was just for the moment. i think the reason that i kept finding something wrong is cause.. this thing with trevor is real. and it keeps moving forward and it doesn't look like it has an immediate ending. which is what i have been used to all this time. so i kept fighting it so that if it did end, i can say that, that is how and what is supposed to happen. the more i fight it, the more problems we had, then the less real and less serious this thing is. cause even though i say i want to get married and have kids and all that.. i am scared of it. i am scared of growing up and being an adult and having to be responsible for other people. i am scared that i am not ready, will never be ready and do not know how to do that. that i won't be good enough. i am afraid of getting old and "losing" people and memories. i know that i shouldn't live like that. that i should enjoy being alive. but sometimes i can't help it. i keep thinking there is never enough time. to re-do what i do wrong.


I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologise that once again I’m not in love
But it’s not as if I mind that your heart aint exactly breaking

It’s just a thought, only a thought

And if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I’ve always thought that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
Cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me

It’s just a thought, only a thought

And if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive

If my life is for rent…

DIDO

as speeches go..

http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

if i could turn back time

as cher aptly sings it.

do you ever wish that you could change things? to erase all the stupid things you've done? well, ok.. maybe not all. but usually it's the last 24 hours.

i told myself to never, ever.. do that again. don't beg. but i did. i felt like an ass. i can't even think about what happened without feeling sick to my stomach.

never again. just never again.

why do i feel like i am being punished? that I am punishing myself?

i love..

i love the way your cheeks crease up when you smile.
i love the way your eyes change color depending on the lighting and what you wear.
i love when you laugh.
i love that you make me laugh.
i love when you hold me.
i love when you look at me and smile.
i love when you brush my hair away from my face.
i love the way you pull me towards you when i react to you teasing me.
i love when you kiss me on my head.
i love that you can sleep with me wrapped around you.
i love that you can sleep with your arms around me.
i love that i know what you are up to and you laugh cause i catch you.
i love that you ask me what i think when you do something.
i love that you want to know me - everything good and bad.
i love when we play and i can't breathe from laughing so much.
i love that you surprise me with things that i don't expect you to say.
i love when you get goosebumps.
i love that you take longer than i do in the shower.
i love that you can eat more ice cream than i do.
i love that you love chocolate a lot.
i love that you play tekken with me and beat me.
i love that you would watch my 'sappy movies'.
i love when you explain football to me, very patiently and you tell me about standings and players like i actually know what you are talking about.
i love that you don't hide anything from me and are not afraid to say anything.

i love coming home to some peace and quiet.
i love that i don't clean up after everyone.
i love that i can leave my dishes in the sink and not worry about the mess.
i love that my house is clean.
i love that my house smells nice.
i love my neighborhood.
i love that i have a place i can call my own.

but lately, i love coming home to someone.
lately, i love having someone next to me when i sleep...

can you believe it? it has been a year since i moved out. it seems like so long ago yet at the same time, i can't believe how fast time went, as usual. i made it in one piece even though i fell apart a few times. it wasn't always easy being on my own. it got quite lonely and i had to go home a lot. but i know better now and i like it. still.. this grown up deal is too much sometimes. i do miss being a kid again.

i want so much

things shouldn't have to be complicated. just choose right? one or the other. yes or no. black or white.

i KNOW that things can't stay the same. i just won't accept it. it's not that i CAN'T. priorities change. people change. no matter how much i want them to stay the same. cheryl can't always be around. she has a lot on her plate. and just because i don't get to see or talk to her as often, it doesn't mean that we love each other less. i do miss seeing her every day. i miss talking to her at night about everything and laughing and joking around until 8am. i miss our FFF's.

i miss my brunches with mars. i miss the nights in and watching movies in our pj's.

i miss the midnight snacks - pancakes and bacon - with my family. i miss the dinners. i miss going out with my mom and driving her around. i miss going to the mall and looking around.

it's hard to want to be in two places at the same time. to want more than one thing at once. i want time with trevor. i want time with my friends. i want time with my family. i don't get to see him often during the week so i'd like to see him on the weekends. and two days in the week seems too short to want all these things.

but that's what growing up is about isn't it? cutting ties. choosing. balancing.