not myself

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
there are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

john mayer

"I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer"
- Rainer Maria Rilke

i am so angry. i know i wasn't hurt. i know i wasn't physically attacked and it could have been a lot worse. but i feel violated nonetheless. they stole something from me that i can't get back. my memories that i wrote down. things i wrote about when i was feeling them the most. it makes me sick to think someone is reading my thoughts without my permission. i feel so emotionally traumatized. i try to forget. but i keep remembering. i can't even listen to my songs that normally calm me down. my security blanket has been ripped from me and i feel so vulnerable.

when you opened it, did you see her smiling face? that beautiful little girl's smiling face? did you feel guilt at all? those are my photos that i can't get back. those are my thoughts on paper i cannot voice out. my familiarity to something that makes me feel connected. you took that away from me.

how dare you make me feel unsafe. how dare you snatch that piece of me with one throw, from a place that i love so much. did it make you feel whole? will it make your life better? your callous action, did it make you feel like a human being? your indifference angers me.

there were a few silver linings yesterday. and one stood out brighter than the rest. that, you can't take away from me.

dear jessie

9) no matter what, you deserve to be treated like a queen.

i hope someday you find your king, lizzie. it's the best thing that happened to me. and here's my last piece of advice: LOVE IS A DECISION YOU MAKE. If you keep basing it on emotions and tingles and racing heartbeats, it won't last. coz feelings fade. But when you decide to love a person, it makes everything, all the compromising, the quirks and stupidities, easier to accept.

happy friday!

i was just thinking of kim the girls and how much i miss them and today.. they all walk in. i got the best and longest hugs from the girls, emileigh especially. i've missed those little ones so much. i'm always going to remember Em saying to me "it's okay to walk away if you don't love someone". and she's only 5! she said she remembers that line from a bug's life and i had to watch that movie again to see for myself.

there was no such line.

today is a good day. even though i am missing the david gray concert.

the sound of settling

i've got a hunger
twisting my stomach into knots
that my tongue was tied off

my brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
but they never make it past my mouth

baa bah, this is the sound of settling
baa bah, baa bah

our youth is fleeting
old age is just around the bend
and i can't wait to go grey

and i'll sit and wonder
of every love that could've been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say

baa bah, this is the sound of settling
baa bah, baa bah

i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots...

-death cab for cutie-

hmmm

DON'T BE TOO HONEST

While honesty is definitely the best policy, nobody said it always feels good -- expressing yourself too bluntly can be just as cruel and destructive as lying.

a conversation with hugh

I've been here before and I deserve a little more

today is a gorgeous, gorgeous day. it's a popsicle kind of day. it's the kind of day where you drive around with the windows down and the music playing loud. it's a 'walk around in the sun in your t-shirt' day.

got woken up by my sister crawling into bed and given a big big hug. conversation went like this:

lou: good morning!
me: morning..
l: do you love me beyder?
m: yes
l: more than chocolate?
m: ....
l: (pinches me)
m: yes!
l: more than ice cream?
m: ... um.. yes! (pinched again)
m: do you love me? more than jonas?
l: ....
l: hahahaha, yes!

i can't sleep

change.

remember that.

i'm thinking too much again. i'm thinking about having kids. i'm thinking what i want. i'm thinking what upsets me. i'm thinking i might not be able to have kids. do i want kids? am i capable of having them? should i have them? would i make a good mom? am i grown up enough for this? for all of this?

i'm shy. i think a lot. not necessarily about one thing, but a lot of things at the same time and it isn't always something serious. sometimes i think about my sister. sometimes i remember things - the past, like my grandfather or growing up. i think about you. i think about myself. sometimes i don't share these thoughts because they are not..significant. i get quiet when i am tired. i get quiet when i am upset. but that doesn't mean i am always mad when i am quiet. i like quiet. i like my alone time. that is why i moved out. i like hanging out with my friends but we do low key stuff like dinner at a restaurant or go bowling or see movies. i talk a lot. i write a lot. i'm sensitive but i try to curb it. i'm a touchy-feely person. i hug a lot. i smile for no reason. i love to read. i like going for drives. i don't like being put on the spot. i don't like being told what to do or not to do. i don't like being told i think too much or that i should 'relax'. i like structure. i always write myself notes and reminders. i'm not good with 'going with the flow'. but i try. my favorite sense is touch. i like when you touch my neck or kiss my neck. i like when you touch my back. i love kissing you. i love being with you. i ramble when i talk or write. i don't like raisins in my food, but i like them as is. i don't like onions. cilantro makes me sick. when i've had too much to drink, i get quiet or i get sleepy. i love hockey but the canucks piss me off. i used to take risks. i used to just say how i feel. now i think first.

there are some days that are just better than others. i love fridays. nothing can go wrong on this day. i feel bubbly today. even though i got up at 545 this morning. i'm going to crash, but right now.. i'm just bubbly.

IF, and this is a really big 'if', i had to choose among all the senses, i choose sense of touch